Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
