Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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