Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
