Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
