ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
