there's paper in my vomit.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
