: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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