The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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