My Higher Power is John Stamos
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
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