I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
