I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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