Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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