Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
