I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
