I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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