ugly people sure do ruin things
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
