I accidentally had phone sex last night
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
