I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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