I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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