I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Randomize
