I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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