I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Farmville is her only friend.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I fill condoms, not promises.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
