His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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