Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
