this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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