You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
