Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
