I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
