someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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