I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
