Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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