Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
