everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
