Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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