Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
