dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
