You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
