first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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