Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
