I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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