I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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