it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
