I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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