a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He keeps bees of course he's weird
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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