You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
