he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
