Sry I called you an 8
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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