afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
