I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
