I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
