You're earring is so big in my mouth
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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