you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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